“Without frequent contact, most mentored hunts end up being just guided trips.”
That’s the downbeat assessment of one of my friends and partners in what’s slowly emerging as a national movement to introduce more beginning hunters to the outdoors and the world of self-sufficient foraging.
She’s both right and correct. She’s right in the sense that many of us who extend a hand to a beginner base the experience around an outing – a hunt. We hope to be successful, in order to set the hook. It’s important to be successful – few people want to spend uncomfortable hours or days in the company of a new companion only to return home empty-handed. So we mentors stack the decks in favor of success.
Much of what I know about guns I learned as a Missouri farmkid, shooting big grasshoppers with BB guns, plinking with .22 rifles, and working my way up to quail, squirrels, and eventually deer.
Everything I know about “Kentucky windage,” or holding over a distant target with a duplex reticle, I learned back then and there, behind a 4-power Bushnell Banner scope mounted to my Savage 99 in .243 Win. My early targets were 400 to 500 yards distant.
They were moving.
They were small.
They were muskrats swimming on the surface of our pond in the pasture below our farmhouse. My dad was a mild-mannered farmer who became agitated only at insurance salesmen, the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City, and balky calves. But any time he saw the V-wake of a muskrat on that pond, he yelled for me to grab my rifle and “go kill that SOB!”
I can’t tell you how many hundreds of 100-grain bullets I fired at those muskrats, my rifle stabilized on top of a wooden fencepost. Neither can I tell you how many of the little rat-tailed varmints I hit, because the ferocious eruption of dirty pondwater water when my bullet hit disguised the outcome of the shot. But I got pretty good at getting close—the very definition of riflescope holdover—thanks to what seemed like a never-ending population of muskrats.
Looking back on it from 40 years, I wonder what happened to all those bullets that ricocheted off the pond’s surface. One of the tenants of firearms safety, of course, is to absolutely not do what I did back then, shoot at water, because of the danger of a bullet unintentionally careening toward people, or barns, or cattle or any number of other non-targets.
I also wonder about my dad’s allowance for this conduct. He was a stickler for almost every other gun-safety commandment. But somehow, they all went out the window when it came to muskrats. Bill Murray, who plays Carl Spackler in the movie “Caddyshack” might have been channeling my dad (and excusing my water-shooting behavior) when he said of gophers, “To kill, you must know your enemy, an in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote.”
I was just turning a batch of elk jerky in my smoker, flipping each succulent strip in order to dry uniformly, when I noticed movement over my shoulder.
I keep my Camp Chef in the barn, where its beautiful work won’t stink up my house or deck. When I was a kid, our only source of heat was a wood-burning stove, and all my clothes smelled like wood smoke. I didn’t think anything of it when I was younger, but when I was in 8th grade, a girl told me I smelled like bacon. The way she said it made me think she didn’t like bacon. I’ve been sensitive about the topic ever sense. Hence, the smoker in the barn.
It turns out the movement I saw was the swoop of a bird, and as I emerged from the barn, I studied the critter. It was a northern shrike, a blocky grey-and-black bird about the size of a robin, perched on the tongue of an idle disc. We don’t see shrikes very often, so I paid special attention to this specimen, its curved beak and black-streaked head looking coolly around. Like a robin, shrikes are classified as songbirds, but they behave more like raptors. They hunt insects like grasshoppers or even small mammals and birds, often flushing them out of hiding by flapping their wings just above the ground.
But shrikes are sometimes called “butcher birds” for another curious carnivorous habit. They will impale their prey on thorns of trees or the barbs of wire fences, saving them in what biologists call their “pantries” until they’re ready to consume them. Some ornithologists think that female shrikes select mates based on the size and variety of his pantry. Apparently, these girl shrikes don’t care if their mates smell like meat.
I returned to my jerky, puttering in the plumes of rich smoke, preparing snacks that I’d add to my pantry and feed my family all week long. When I emerged from the barn, the shrike was gone.
I’m a recovering redneck. I have purged my vocabulary of the term “warshed,” which I grew up saying to mean “washed,” as in “I haven’t warshed my clothes in a month.” But I still say “crick” for creek and “ruf” to mean roof.
I still carry a pocketknife most every day. I know how to tamp a post and castrate a hog. I can make a fishing rig out of baling twine and a green sapling.
I have a college degree and I like good wine, even if I can’t always pronounce its appellation. I can tie a Windsor knot in a necktie. But I can also trap a muskrat and call a turkey. I know which fork to use for my salad. And I can skin a squirrel and run a chainsaw.
I mention all these “talents” because they’re fundamental to who I am, and I suspect many of you possess the same traits. You won’t want to hear this any more than I want to say it, but they’re disappearing from our culture, as we become a nation of suburbs and fast food and, frankly, dependence. I mention them now because I’m writing this on Independence Day, and all those redneck skills are essential to remaining independent.
I don’t mean that knowing how to clean a carburetor will keep the communists from taking our government. Just as I don’t mean that my ability to gig a frog will liberate any political prisoner. But knowing how to remain comfortable without electricity and how to find food in the woods and how to be okay with self-reliance are all skills and mindsets that will allow you to exercise independence, even if it’s a weekend camping trip with the family.
In many ways, I left my redneck past. I grew up burning wood as our family’s only heat source. I’m glad to have moved away from that. As a kid, my family never bought meat in the store, since we had our own pork, chicken, beef, and deer. I’m happy to indulge every now and again on restaurant wings.
But the other day I heard the Hank Williams, Jr. anthem “Country Boys Can Survive,” and it took me back to cane poles and rabbit hunting and maybe just a little bit of cheap beer and Beechnut.
Hank Junior made his song a political anthem: “You can’t stomp us out and you can’t make us run. ‘Cause we’re them old boys raised on shotguns…” I celebrate my heritage not in opposition to anyone, but as a proud, capable, fundamentally independent redneck. And what’s more American than that?
Grab a lawn chair and pop a top America – we’re about to shed some light on one of the coolest pieces of American history (and likely something your high school history teacher forgot to tell you):
It’s the early 19th century. An apple-pie eating, beer drinking, American man by the name of Mr. Waddell heads into the New Jersey surf with aspirations of harvesting some oysters. Meanwhile, Mr. Martin (a real prick of a fella with ties to European nobility) finds out about Waddell and throws a fit. This European yahoo takes our patriotic brother to court on grounds that the oysters harvested, in water that adjoined Martin’s property line, were Martin’s property. Thus, Waddell is accused of being a no good, dirty rotten, thief.